Feeling guilty about contact napping?

Hey momma friends, how are you hanging in this week? 

I wanted to address a comment from a reader that I appreciate so much. She wrote of her 8-month-old, "He can self-settle at daycare but refuses to do so with us. We only contact nap at the boob and I often feel guilty because I'm afraid he's not getting enough sleep with me.” (Thank you AB!) 

So, first of all, I appreciate this mom's honesty, and without going too much into detail (another day!), it is true that our little ones sometimes sleep “better” for other people than for us, and that is because WE are the ones they pursue proximity with, because we are their most beloved attachment figures, and WE are the ones that fill their connection cup. And, we are the ones with the BOOBS, which is by far the most biologically natural way for a baby (and toddler!) to fall asleep. 

Secondly, the guilt is real, and isn't it true that we feel mom guilt in so many other ways? I would encourage a momma feeling guilty about contact napping to really notice those feelings of guilt and try to explore the why of that feeling and accept that feeling as just a feeling. When it comes to sleep, it really is okay to do what works best and is easiest. It doesn't have to be so complicated. Just as it's okay for our children to experience every feeling, it's okay for us to feel guilty too. It doesn't necessarily mean we have to ‘do’ anything about it to make us feel better. I know it's hard to sit with an uncomfortable feeling. 

Is a mom feeling guilty for contact napping because she needs to get things done? Is holding a sleeping child and fostering a feeling of safety and connection that will stay with them for the rest of their lives not an important thing to get done? 

I always advise my clients to use nap time as REST time. No chores. Seriously. I know it's hard, but you know what is even better? RESTING, and then involving your child in chores WITH you. Doing chores is an excellent way to connect, for your child to build all kinds of motor, language, and cognitive skills, and to help your child feel important and competent as a contributing member of the family. 

In this case, the mom was feeling guilty about her baby not getting enough sleep with her. Isn't this the narrative that we hear so much in our sleep training culture? That certain kinds of sleep are not as restorative (in the stroller, for example) as other kinds of sleep (alone, in a crib, in the dark).  

The truth is, we really only truly know if sleep is restorative by slapping some electrodes on our baby's brain and having a sleep study done. And who wants to do that if we don't have to?! The best indicator of our baby getting good sleep is their mood and behavior. So, I would just encourage you to tune into your little one. If they sleep in your arms and wake up happy, they likely just had the best nap any person on earth could have, in the warm, loving arms of her mother.  

I love this excerpt from The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding: 

“Some people are closet nursers of older children. However, it is naptime that I have yet to ‘come out’ with. I tell people that Lauren naps fine. What I don't tell them is that I hold her during her naps. That's right, I'm a closet holder. I can't help it. My heart melts when she falls asleep in my arms nursing, her breathing becoming slow and heavy, her face relaxed and beautiful. How could I possibly miss a minute of that? It's intoxicating and I can't give it up. Not yet. 

"I have missed parties, movies, dinners, and hours on the treadmill because I can't lay Lauren down and get away while she naps. I've made up countless excuses to avoid confessing, but it has all been worth it. When Lauren is an adult and on her own, I will have the memories of the hours I spent smelling her hair and feeling her breathe while she slept peacefully on my chest. I will always remember watching her drowsily wake up with hot rosy cheeks only to look at me lazily and snuggle back into my neck or into my breast to nurse again into dreamland. 

“Lauren will soon outgrow my arms, especially with a new baby on the way. This has made me hold on to and treasure our naptime even more. I have well-meaning friends who tell me, ‘Try not to pick Lauren up so much. If you keep picking her up all the time, she’ll have a hard time adjusting to the new baby.' I just nod. If only they knew."    - Heidi

And just FYI, I still contact nap with my almost 3 year old. I just can't help it :)

I hope this is helpful and worth your time! I would love to hear what you feel guilty about when you are contact napping, AND/OR what you absolutely love about contact napping.