Supporting your child’s emotions

This week I wanted to talk about my favorite topic - supporting emotions, because this can be a HUGE part of shifting patterns to your child's sleep. A lot of parents don't want to use sleep training because they don't want to leave their child alone to cry. Your instincts are right on!! But what gets a little confusing is how to then shift any patterns, because your child has the right to their feelings about big changes happening, and will likely protest with crying.

So, I wanted to share a bit about how to set loving limits and support your child's emotions.

Children have lot to cry about in the first five years of life. There are so many things they are up against that they cannot change. Their beloved caregivers have to return to work. They can’t go outside when they want to. They have to be in their car seat at times. They can’t eat all the sugar they want. There are many big changes and big feelings, and this is all a normal and healthy part of their development.

It’s often a misconception that in order to establish a secure attachment, our children need to be happy and should never cry. This is far from the truth. 

Attachment is all about being responsive and attuned to our children’s needs. It doesn’t mean we give them whatever they want! Or that we don’t set boundaries. We can still be responsive to our children’s big feelings when we have to say no about something. We say no, and then we support their emotions about it. Actually, when our children experience sadness, anger, frustration and are supported through it by a loving caregiver, this helps build resilience. According to Dr. Neufeld (Developmental Psychologist + attachment expert), this is the key to adaption and the most important emotional journey we ever take. 

There is a BIG difference between working through emotion alone, and in working through emotion in the presence of a loving caregiver. I would never suggest leaving your baby or child alone to cry.

Setting boundaries and supporting emotions are two of the biggest pieces of the puzzle when it comes to night weaning, for example, or switching sleep associations. Any time we are making a change to our child’s sleep routines or how they fall asleep, they are likely to have big feelings about it. And they are entitled to. We need to respect their feelings. Maybe they have been nursing to sleep and through the night since they were born. This is a VERY big change, a loss, a grieving for a child who is night weaning. 

If your child protests strongly, you may think “This isn’t working. They won’t stop crying. I’m clearly not helping.” Patience is truly the key here because you ARE helping. You are demonstrating to your baby/child that crying is an acceptable way to express emotion and that self-expression will always be respected and acknowledged, and that you are there to support and love your baby through the process.

So what does this actually look like?

We hold space for the emotion. We sit. We lay with. We touch. We hold. We make eye contact. We validate their feelings. “I hear you. You’re feeling upset because you want milk and mommy said no.” “You’re used to having milk and now we’re doing something different.” “This is really hard, huh?” “I’m going to help you in another way besides nursing this time.” “Daddy’s going to rock with you instead of mommy nursing this time.” 

The most important part of this process is that YOU remain calm. Is there a mantra that you can say to keep yourself regulated? We hold the boundary and support the big cycle of emotion that goes with it. We don’t distract from the emotion. We don’t redirect their attention to something else. We just remain present with their big feelings and wait. This may take five minutes or thirty minutes or longer, and this is ok!

It is completely okay to place boundaries around nursing or how you are supporting your child to sleep. It is beneficial for everyone that your wellbeing is also a priority in the family.

The beauty of setting boundaries is that you get to decide what the boundaries are! For example, you may decide to only nurse in a specific chair, or for wake ups only after 12 am. You may decide to limit how long your child nurses or only feed on one side. 

If you have a hard time setting boundaries during the day, you may likely find this to be super challenging overnight when everything seems more intense and you’re tired. If you haven’t set many boundaries during the day, I would suggest starting there. Notice what you’re doing now to support emotions (or not) during the day. Do you consistently support emotions by nursing or using distractions, such as a tablet or a new toy? It’s common to do this when toddlers have big emotions, and a lot of times we do this without even realizing it, because if you look around, that’s how most people manage toddler’s emotions. WE are so uncomfortable with emotions that we just want them to stop. If you do find that you use these things, it will be challenging to support emotions in the middle of the night without these things.

If you decide to practice with a nursing session during the day, you can say “not right now” if you’re feeling touched out and/or you just don’t want to. If you’re pregnant, it’s normal to develop a nursing aversion with your baby or toddler. You can say “your next feed is after nap.” You can offer a drink or a snack or a snuggle instead. These things may not minimize the emotion, but that’s okay if you can support it.

If you don’t feel confident setting boundaries, this is something worth exploring, because not only does this apply to night weaning, it applies to parenting and the rest of you and your child's lives together.

There is nothing like having a child only to realize your own triggers from your own childhood that are now playing out in your child's childhood. This parenting is tough stuff. You're doing great.