My Top 4 Tips for Following Your Instincts

Hello beautiful friends,

Since becoming a mother, Mother's Day to me feels really huge, and almost impossible to capture in one day or one tiny celebration the gratitude I feel for my own mom, and now my own experience as a mother. Becoming a mom has completely rocked me to my core and torn me open in ways I never thought possible.

At the core of my sleep work with families, I often encourage parents (mostly moms) to 'trust their instincts' when it comes to their babies, when making decisions around sleep, and when choosing when and how to respond to them. It sounds so primal, so natural in a sense, to just tune it all out and tap into your instincts, but it's been really interesting learning how challenging this actually is for a lot of women, women specifically, and myself included.

So I've gotten really curious about this idea lately. Why is this very innate wisdom so difficult to access? I believe it's because of two deeply rooted ways in which we are socialized.

1. We are conditioned to not listen to our bodies from very early on in childhood.

“Take three more bites.”

But what if I'm actually full?

“Don't be rude, go give her a hug.”

But what if I don't feel comfortable hugging that person?

“Go to sleep.”

But what if I'm simply not tired?

These subtle messages have a big impact that I believe is deeply rooted in our difficulty with listening to our bodies and the signals our bodies are communicating. We are told how to behave in our eating and sleeping patterns, our toileting behaviors, and our social manners, when our bodies are telling us something different. We are basically taught to ignore ourselves.

2. Our emotions are not supported.

“Don't cry.”

“You're fine.”

“Look at this toy!”

These responses start with newborns! Newborns that cry for communication, that rely on caregivers to co-regulate with, that literally need a calm caregiver to help soothe them because they are developmentally incapable of doing so. We are told not to spoil our newborns by responding to 'every little cry'. And then when our children approach toddlerhood, they are told 'You're a big kid now.' 'You're tough.' You can see how these subtle comments are invalidating of feelings from the very start of life, during the years that are MOST important for learning healthy emotional expression. The thing is, a child's very big feelings can be intense (as I'm sure you know). They make US uncomfortable. WE are so uncomfortable with emotion that we use distraction and dismissal to divert any attention to the big feelings our children are experiencing. In this way children are receiving the message that feelings are not okay, feelings don't need to be listened to. So when they grow up and maybe have their own children and hear something like 'trust your instincts' from a sleep consultant haha, how on earth do they even know how to do that? You can see how the cycle is perpetuated through generations.

So how do we break the cycle?

Here are my top 4 tips for beginning the process of tuning into your own instincts Mama.

Reconnect with your body. Whether this be through yoga, some type of movement that feels good to you, or even working on the relationship you have with your body (not easy!), tuning into your body can help you start to listen to the signals your body is communicating to you. You can start by not disregarding discomfort. Try noticing sensations and accepting them as just that, sensations. Try not to judge the sensations you feel as 'good' or 'bad'. You may also try to notice your hunger signals, signals that you're full, signals that your body needs rest, or even signals to use the bathroom (holding our pee is also not listening to our bodies!).

Validate your own emotions. We also have a tendency to disregard our feelings by talking ourselves out of them, by numbing them with easy buttons like TV, food, substances, etc. One thing that can help is labeling your feelings. Oh, this is what sad feels like. I'm angry right now. I feel uneasy about this. I'm upset or just a little down today. Research has shown that simply labeling your emotions can help with emotional regulation.

Notice your thoughts. When you're feeling clouded or confused about something, see if you can take a few deep breaths and monitor your thoughts. Are you worried about something in the future? For example, 'if I help my baby to sleep right now, they'll never learn to sleep on their own.' Or 'if I nurse my baby to sleep, it'll become a really bad habit.' These are both thoughts that may take you away from what your child needs right now, because of a fear of the future, the unknown future! This thinking takes you away from responding the way you want to because you're worried about an uncertain outcome. Are you worried about what people will think? 'My mom would die if she knew our baby was sleeping in bed with us.' Or 'my friends would be shocked that I'm still nursing my 3 year old.' Well, they're not the ones there with your child at 3 in the morning, so try and just notice those thoughts and accept them as just that. It doesn't mean you have to go against what feels good to you right now.

And you guys, sometimes we just really need a mantra. These are all things I have found myself saying to myself when the doubt starts creeping in. And I've noticed a pattern. It's usually after a conversation I end up having with another parent about sleep, or breastfeeding, or even on social media, and then I start questioning myself again. It's a journey, that's for sure, but if you start practicing, you may find a mantra that resonates and it then may become automatic and keep you from excessive googling and spiraling into a giant sink hole of doubt.

Maybe some of these you'll find helpful:

I know my baby best.

My baby has his/her own unique needs.

My baby's temperament is different than some other babies.

My job is to tune into my baby to find the answers.

The answers are within me, not some book, expert, or method.

Our family dynamics are different than their family dynamics.

My baby needs this support and some other babies don't. There is nothing wrong with that.

This feels good to me.

I'm following my instincts.

This works for our family.

I'm in no way damaging my baby by responding with love.

This is working for us right now. When it's no longer working, I can always make changes.

So that's it for now mamas! I hope you have a good enough Mother's day and take a moment to notice all the unseen things you do for your little one all day every day. This is important, often invisible work, raising our babies.