Will Night Weaning Traumatize My Child?
Hi friends,
I’m so excited to be in touch with you! I wanted to write about night weaning and attachment. This is one of the biggest concerns most mothers have when it comes to night weaning. Will it traumatize my child? So, I thought it may be helpful to unpack two things around night weaning- some basics on how attachment works, and how to support emotion.
When it comes to night weaning, although there are many different ways to go about it and it can feel like a bit of an art, what it comes down to is basically saying no to nursing (some or all feeds) and supporting the emotion that comes with it. We really want to consider night weaning when there are only 1-2 feeds happening at night. I don’t suggest quitting all feeds cold turkey unless you absolutely have to. I suggest going very slowly, mastering one feed at a time, and always tuning into your intuition and how your child responds.
So first, let's understand what attachment is. What the last 80 years of attachment research has found is that some micro-dynamics occur between a parent and child in a relationship that have a lifelong effect, in very specific ways, on who a baby will become. Geeeez no pressure, right?!
“Attachment is a relationship in the service of a baby’s emotion regulation and exploration. It is the deep, abiding confidence a baby has in the availability and responsiveness of the caregiver.”
— Alan Sroufe
Alan Sroufe is a developmental psychologist at the Institute for Child Development at the University of Minnesota. He says a secure attachment has at least three functions:
A sense of security and safety
Emotions supported by a calm caregiver to soothe a child’s distress
A secure base from which to explore
These things can all remain in place without night feedings. There is no reason that night weaning should traumatize a child. Cause protest? Yes. Traumatize? No. What would be traumatizing is if you said no more nursing very abruptly and left your baby alone to cry with no other means to comfort them or support them through this HUGE change. But if you are gently and sensitively attuning to your child throughout the entire process and offering your love and care in other ways besides nursing, there’s no reason that night weaning should traumatize your child.
What can get confusing with attachment is the image of what attachment conscious parenting looks like. The attachment parenting philosophy inspired by William and Martha Sears has been confused with certain practices that we feel we must do, such as constant contact (baby-wearing), co-sleeping and breastfeeding.
“These [attachment parenting principles] are all fine things,” observes Sroufe “but they’re not the essential things. There is no evidence that they are predictive of a secure attachment.”
The attachment parenting approach is well-intentioned but is often taken to the extreme and causes undue stress and guilt among parents that can’t sustain these particular practices. I remember trying to baby wear a lot with my son up until about 6 months old. But what I realized is that he was actually quite an active boy and didn’t like the restriction of so much holding! He needed more free movement in his body. And this remains true of his temperament today. So, this is why it’s so important to get to know your unique baby.
I love this example Sroufe uses to unpack this attachment parenting idea and feeding:
A mother could breastfeed, but do it in a mechanical and insensitive way, potentially contributing to an insecure attachment. On the other hand, she could bottle-feed in a sensitive manner, taking cues from the baby and using the interaction as an opportunity to look, talk, and play gently, according to the baby’s communication—all behaviors that are likely to create secure attachment. In other words, it is the quality of the interaction that matters.
I don't know about you but just reading that quote makes me feel a little less anxious about making sure I'm ‘doing all the right things.’ The things don't matter near as much as the relationship.
So let’s talk supporting emotions! What does that look like?
First, we need to understand our own triggers and find strategies to keep our own nervous systems regulated while we’re supporting our child’s big feelings. We need to evaluate our own discomfort with emotion. Something that helps me is imagining my child as a friend who comes to my porch when she’s upset. What do I do in that situation? I would typically just sit, listen, let them cry and process. That’s exactly what we do with our children.
We hold space for the emotion. We sit. We lay with. We hold. We make eye contact. We validate their feelings. “I hear you. You’re feeling upset because you want milk and mommy said no.” “You’re used to having milk and now we’re doing something different.” “This is really hard, huh?” “I’m going to help you in another way besides nursing this time.” “Daddy’s going to rock with you instead of mommy nursing this time.”
The most important part of night weaning with your child is that YOU remain calm. Is there a mantra that you can say to keep yourself regulated? We hold the boundary and support the big cycle of emotion that goes with it. We don’t distract from the emotion. We don’t redirect their attention to something else. We just remain present with their big feelings and wait. This may take five minutes or thirty minutes or longer, and this is ok! Trust that you will know when it’s too much for your child. Trust that you will know when you need to stop and try again another time if your little one is really struggling.
Remember that it’s completely okay to place boundaries around nursing. It is beneficial for everyone that your wellbeing is also a priority in the family.
If you don’t feel confident setting boundaries, this is something worth exploring, because not only does this apply to night weaning, it applies to parenting and the rest of your life! Bless these little babies, that make us look more deeply at ourselves.