How long should it take my child to fall asleep?

If you’re in the US, you may love or hate July because of all the fireworks. Fireworks can be a real stressor when you have a wakeful baby or are stressed at bedtime anyway. I remember my first 4th of July with a new baby. We had some friends in town, and I remember my husband asking if he could go out and walk around the neighborhood with them and see the fireworks, the thing we usually do every year together. It hurt my heart a little. It was ‘bedtime'. I remember him leaning over me and my baby and kissing us goodnight as I choked back tears and said, “I just miss my husband.” I remember hearing him close the front door and all their muffled voices outside the house as they became more faint and then disappeared.

I was sitting in the squeaky red rocking chair in the dark with our baby in my arms, the white noise machine on, hearing all the crackles and bangs on the other side of the blackout curtains, and feeling so incredibly lonely. Our colicky baby was 4 months exactly at that point, and I was really struggling mentally and emotionally.

Bedtime was dreadful because it took FOREVER (I was trying for too early of a bedtime). I was sleep deprived, yes, and that was some of the problem, but it wasn’t the majority of the problem. I felt more disconnected from my husband than ever. I felt disconnected from myself. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t know how to attune to my baby. I was confused and completely overwhelmed by all the sleep rules and advice out there, and I thought my baby was chronically overtired. I was massively uneducated about normal infant sleep and how to manage the 4th trimester!

Looking back, I wish I would have known what I know now about infant sleep.

I would have scooped that boy up in a carrier and celebrated the holiday with my husband and my friends. He would have slept right through the fireworks while against my chest, and I would have enjoyed the fresh air, the friendship, and the beautiful colors! My heart and my baby would have thanked me. He needed more stimulation, more sensory nourishment, not less. In retrospect, I don't think he was overtired, I think he was under-stimulated.

So, just a reminder that if you are struggling with naps or bedtime right now, my number one tip is to try for a nap or bedtime for no more than 20-30 minutes. Sleep science shows that sleep latency is about 30 minutes and should not take longer than that. Sleep latency is the stage of sleep when we are actually falling asleep, the time it takes to fall asleep.

If your babe doesn’t seem tired enough, take a break from ‘trying’ to get them down and get on with your day or your night. I also suggest doing this if you’re feeling frustrated. Babies and toddlers need their parasympathetic nervous systems to be activated in order to fall into sleep, that beautiful rest and digest system we all need to relax and unwind.

You know how if you're stressed or worried about something, or something is bothering you, you can't sleep? Your sympathetic nervous system is likely activated. So if you're feeling frustrated, your child is likely picking up on that, since our children are always attuning to our nervous systems. No guilt about that friends, just a cue that you need to stop and take a break if it’s not working and if you’re losing your mind! (No guilt about that either! Daily occurrence over here!) Tap out with a partner if you can or need to. Go do something else. Try again in a bit. Tune into your baby and your day. Maybe they are simply not tired enough. Are you trying to follow a schedule? Are you trying to get them down before they are ready? Did you notice their unique sleepy cues before starting the process? Did they get enough stimulation today?

As always, I hope this is helpful! Have a beautiful (enough) day friends! Motherhood is nothing short of amazingness, no matter how it looks.