Separation Anxiety
Hey beautiful friends! How are you doing today?
We had a rough week over here. I've been off this summer because I work in special education as an occupational therapist. So, last week I started back to school/work, I decided to stop pumping milk this year while I'm away, and we also have a new nanny. It's been a bit of an adjustment. As a result, my son stopped napping last week and the nanny said he cried for mama and mama milk. She said he wouldn't lay down with her to read books or even rest, even though he was sooo tired. This of course broke my heart, and it also really got me thinking about sleep and the nervous system, and how the two are so intimately connected.
Separation anxiety can peak around 8-9 months, or whenever your child starts to show signs of object permanence. This is when your child understands that even though they can't see an object, it still exists. A classic sign of this forming is when a baby drops food out of sight from the high-chair for example and then looks over to see it. Or if you hide a toy, they go to look for it. This then applies to people. Even though Mama is gone, baby knows she still exists. Separation anxiety can also peak at other times in toddlerhood and can last until about 3 years old. It can be really tough for everyone involved. There is nothing worse than turning your back on your crying child as you walk away and leave. BUT, please know that separation anxiety is normal and a healthy part of emotional development. It means that your child has developed a strong bond with you, their beloved caregiver.
So, if we apply this to sleep, and we know that most sleep struggles are actually separation struggles, it's no wonder your baby or toddler may need more support to fall asleep when going through a phase of separation anxiety. They also may wake up more at night and want to be close to you.
Imagine your own nervous system when in a state of stress. Imagine the nervous system of a little one in separation anxiety. Their sympathetic nervous system is activated (think fight or flight). It's no wonder our little loves would have a hard time falling asleep and/or staying asleep if their nervous system thinks they're being chased by a bear. The brain doesn't know the difference between an actual bear or a perceived bear. So when our little ones are in a state of threat, they simply need us to help them co-regulate and keep them calm and safe. What we want for ourselves and our children is for our parasympathetic nervous systems to be activated when supporting them in sleep, because this is the state of the nervous system when we and they can actually rest and digest.
Here are some of my FAVORITE tips for separation anxiety. Consider which ones may work for you depending on how old your child is.
When saying good-bye:
Don't sneak away, tell them you're leaving and that you'll be back. You want your child to trust you.
Create a quick, positive, good-bye ritual and stick to it- coming and going only makes it harder for your little one.
Bridge the separation- instead of focusing on the separation, focus on the next connection- I can't wait to have nursies/milk/a snack with you when you wake up from your nap or When I get home we'll dance and play together.
Create a visual schedule of activities your child will be doing until you'll be together again- they can take each activity off when it's done to see as they get closer to being with you again
When separating into sleep (if in their own sleep space, and specifically for toddlers)
You want to infuse your presence into their room as much as possible- a night shirt that smells like you, a lovey, camping out with them until they fall asleep, etc.
Give your child a picture of you in their room and put a picture of them next to your bed in your room- point out that you both can look at each other's pictures to feel close
Take a few selfies of you and your child after they fall asleep and show them in the morning how many times you checked on them at night
You can place paper hearts all over their room to show them how many times you checked on them in the night
Let them choose their favorite book they'd like to read with you in the morning and place it under their pillow.
Here are two amazing resources from Debora MacNamara with more practical ideas for bridging separation:
When Saying Good-Night is Hard
I hope this helps, friends! This parenting thing is tough stuff. In it with you.