How to use habit stacking
Hey there beautiful friends, how if life treating you these days?
This week I thought I would share about how to change sleep ‘habits’. But I first want to clear some things up. There are no ‘bad habits’ when it comes to sleep!
We are often told that we're going to create ‘bad habits' if we nurse our babies to sleep or hold them too much, or rock them, or bounce them, or push them around in the stroller in order to get a nap.
It's true, babies and children develop sleep associations, but there are no ‘bad’ sleep associations, just maybe ones that are no longer working for you.
For reference, I want to remind you that my 3-year-old has bedshared his entire life, nursed to sleep his entire life, been nursed back to sleep at night wakes his entire life, and he is starting to fall asleep with his dad at bedtime, he sleeps with the nanny very easily, and he's recently wanted to sleep in his own bed, and is starting to ‘sleep through the night’. These things may happen a lot earlier for some children, or a lot later. Some may say my son's had ‘bad’ habits all these years, but I say they are the most beautiful habits of our lives, our connection is strong because of them, and I would never take back those soul-stretching times of loving him through his sleep journey.
That being said, if something is no longer working for you, you can ABSOLUTELY make changes if and when you need to! You can always be the confident leader in guiding your child through a necessary change, such as night weaning or switching sleep associations.
So here are some tips for switching sleep associations using habit stacking:
Recognize that anytime your child goes through a change, especially with how they go to sleep, it can be BIG to them.
Letting go into sleep is vulnerable. Think about how safe you need to feel in order to sleep well. I know for me, whenever I'm on vacation, in a new place, it takes me a few days to really sleep well.
If your child is highly sensitive, a little nudge can feel more like a push.
Switching sleep associations can take 2-3 months or longer depending on your child's temperament and how slow you need to go. You can see how much patience this process can take.
You always want to tune into your little one. Let them be your guide with how much to push and when to back off.
Step 1
As you get started, for 3-4 weeks (or longer!) you want to ADD in other sleep associations, before even taking anything away. What you're trying to do here is get your child used to other ways of being soothed. So for example, let's use nursing to sleep - if you want to eventually be able to lay next to your child and rub their back to sleep instead of nursing, you would add in back rubbing (or tickling, or singing, or hand holding, or cuddling etc.) during this time while you're nursing your child to sleep. You want to be consistent here, and rub their back every time you nurse to sleep.
Step 2
Support your child with nursing until they're almost asleep, then gently unlatch and try rubbing their back. Remain calm, it's okay to test the waters a little bit to know how your little one is going to respond. Give them a minute to adjust to the new way. Try not to panic and take some deep breaths. Support their tears and really connect with your little one. They will understand in your voice your intent to understand their struggle. Let them know that you know this is very hard for them, that it's okay to cry, and that you're there to help them through this tough change. If your child becomes too distressed, just stop and try again tomorrow. No stress.
Step 3
Once you've got that down, nurse your child until just as they get drowsy, gently unlatch and offer the back rubbing to help them to sleep.
Step 4
Now what you can do is nurse your child awake, gently unlatch and rub their back to sleep.
There are MANY variations of sleep associations you can use, and this will really look different for every family because you are all unique. But, this is a roadmap of how to work through the process of switching sleep associations gently.
If you need some encouragement and inspiration, there's a highlight on Lyndsey Hookway's Instagram account here with success stories of habit stacking.
Did you realize it was going to take so much intention and effort and patience to support your child's sleep journey? Me neither. It is not easy to be responsive. Crazy how some of our parents just cut us off cold turkey, right? You're doing an amazing job trying to raise humans that feel loved to the their core. I promise it won't always be this hard.