When your child is sad without you

Hello sweet friends, how are you today? 

We've had a ROUGH couple of days over here in Salt Lake City of separation anxiety with my son. I'm not sure what's going on. I could speculate it's because his final molars are coming in, or maybe because he's had some big developmental leaps lately. Mondays are also hard, after we've been together all weekend. Without giving too much background information, we've had a bit of tricky time this year with his childcare situation.

One of the most important things when it comes to understanding sleep struggles, especially at bedtime, is realizing that most children's sleep challenges may have some to do with sleep that needs a little tweaking (like maybe not having enough sleep pressure built up because of a late nap, for example), but mostly to do with SEPARATION. Many of us are working parents, so we are gone sometimes 8+ hours in the day, only to come home for maybe a couple of hours and then it's bedtime already - another 8-10+ hours of separation from us! That really is A LOT to expect of our little ones, who see us as the people they love more than anything in the world.

If you're feeling the guilt creep up about being a working parent, it's okay. I was too. But then I listened to a Janet Lansbury podcast today that was very helpful, so I wanted to share. She said, whatever arrangement we choose for our family, our children are capable of adjusting to. It's not necessarily the quantity of time we spend, it's the QUALITY of that time.

Children have the right to express their feelings about separating from us, but it often gets tricky because WE are dealing with our OWN emotions of guilt and sadness about having to leave. 

Children pick up on OUR feelings about separating. 

So in my case, I've been having a hard time trusting that our nanny knows how to support my son's emotions when he's upset. She is the ‘just be happy’ kind of person. Any negative emotion makes her uncomfortable. She will use distraction to get away from the discomfort of crying. Cue this morning when my son starts crying, actually screaming, for me not to go - I freeze up. I linger too long. I set the timer. I sit with him to finish his breakfast. I hold his hand. He doesn't want to let go. I grab our matching bracelets and put them on so we can think of each other while we're apart. I try to console him before I go, which only makes things worse. 

The bottom line is, I can't be his confident leader when I am uncertain and grasping at straws.  

UGH. The reality is I AM uncertain right now. And that is the truth. And that's what is playing out with this separation. It was a harsh reality for me today, but I appreciate it, because I can work on it. We can do hard things, right? 

I love what she suggested next. Janet Lansbury shared about the importance of holding the boundary while listening to our child and allowing for allll the emotions to flow. 

So in my case, when my son asked for milkies, I said “milkies are closed right now buddy" but I can give you a hug instead. I thought this was pretty good. 

He didn't want a hug. He cried and cried and cried. 

When he asked me to stay for breakfast, I should have said, “You want me to stay for breakfast. I love eating breakfast with you, but I am leaving now buddy. I'll eat a snack with you when I get home."

When he asked me to set the timer, I should have said “You really want me to stay longer. It's so hard to say good-bye. It's time for me to go now. I love you so so much.”

The best-case scenario would be that I would do our little goodbye ritual. Keep it short and simple and confidently leave (even though my heart was breaking) and TRUST that his caregiver would support his HUGE emotions as I'm leaving and after I'm gone.

We need to shift our focus from emotions being ‘bad’ and something we need to avoid at all costs, to ‘being an amazing opportunity!’ It's not the emotions our child has that we need to do anything about, it's our own response to their emotions. The word emotion means ‘to move’. Emotions are not meant to be stagnant. That is when they make us sick and cause mental and emotional health problems. 

When our children cry, what a great opportunity it is to build our relationship with them. To bond at the deepest level of intimacy, when they are feeling their most vulnerable.

So how does this apply to sleep? 

If you're making a change to a sleep association - it's okay for your child to cry about it. In fact, it is their right! You listen to them with a tender ear. Really understand their hurt about it. Express that compassion in your voice. And still hold the boundary.

If our partner is going to put your child to bed even though they want the other parent, it's okay for them to be upset about it! You listen to their feelings about it, and still hold the boundary. 

If you're only reading one book tonight and your child wants more more more. It's okay for your child to cry about that. We can still hold the boundary and support the tears.

I hope this makes sense, friends. It is tricky stuff. 

We want our children to come to us with their difficult feelings.

We want them to know that we can handle any big feeling.

We want them to know they are not ‘too much’. 

We want them to know it's always okay to cry.  

We want them to know there is no big feeling we can't support them through.