What sleep at 3 years CAN look like
Hey there beautiful friends, how is your day/night treating you?
This week I wanted to share about what our personal sleep situation looks like in our home - with a 3-year-old. For context, we have always bedshared and I have always nursed to sleep at bedtime and back to sleep at most every night wake.
Night nursing
I've recently been setting some boundaries on some night feeds when I just feel I need a break, but I haven't fully committed to night weaning (because I don't want to!). This has been our choice and what works for our family in getting the most sleep with our very wakeful child, who is also highly sensitive.
Of course, night weaning is a very personal journey There's no one ‘right’ way to do it, only the way that works best for you and your child. It’s absolutely ok to take the night weaning process very slowly, very gently if that's what you need. Some families need a speedier approach.
What I say to my son is ‘that’s enough’ or ‘milkies are resting now’ or ‘let’s cuddle instead’ and he’ll unlatch and roll over or say ‘okay mom’. Sometimes he lets out a bit of a whine or wimper but then goes right back to sleep. It has felt very sweet and simple for me because I have taken it very very very slow and have tried to balance my needs with his needs with both of our sensitive temperaments. We have also had some rough nights of supporting his emotions.
Sleeping in his own bed
So, this past week our little guy has wanted to go to sleep in his own floor bed in his own room. We have completely followed his lead in this process. Sometimes he sleeps in his bed and sometimes he sleeps in our bed. Again, this works for him and doesn't seem to confuse him or be a problem at all. Some kiddos need a more structured approach. I love cosleeping and feel like we all sleep better in the ‘big bed’ (in our room) but I feel like I need to honor his naturally evolving exploration of his independence whenever he expresses interest. So, when he asks to sleep in his bed, that's where we start the night! If he wakes up, I typically bring him into our bed.
Sleeping through the night
Recently he slept 2 nights in his bed until 5 am!!! This is HUGE because our barely 3 year old has never ‘slept through the night’ in the mainstream sense. He ALWAYS wakes and ALWAYS calls for me sometime in the night before 5 am, typically between 2-4 am. He'll still wake anywhere between 1-4 times.
This may be discouraging if you are in a tough sleep stage and wondering when on earth your child is going to sleep through the night. I'm so sorry! Or it may be relieving to know that this is also considered ‘normal’ toddler sleep. I wish I would have had an example like this to have realistic expectations, which is why I share this today.
Naps
My son is still transitioning to dropping a nap and this has been going on since last September. When he doesn't nap, he goes to bed anywhere from 6-7:30 pm. When he does nap, it's more like 9-10 pm. He likes to nurse for naps with me but he's also started to fall asleep VERY EASILY with the nanny occasionally when he is tired enough. He will literally fall asleep on the couch sitting next to her. Or she will hold him in her lap for a few minutes and he'll zonk out. This is surprising to me because he has always needed support/presence to fall asleep for naps unless we are in the car or stroller.
The other day it was 5 pm on a no nap day and he wanted to nurse but was about to fall asleep at the breast so I had to set a boundary on milkies. He said ‘okay mom’ and then just laid on the couch and would have fallen asleep but my hubby intervened and gently encouraged him to take a shower with him (to wake him up a bit in hopes to make it to bedtime). We call these hours “riding the lightning” :)
How I'm doing
Overall, these days I am feeling more rested than ever and really cherish our little exchanges of touch and talking in the night. Our sleep journey continues at 3 years, and I've learned so much along the way. There's so much I would do differently from the beginning now that I know what I know about attachment and infant and toddler sleep.
So friends, I hope this is helpful in some way! I just wanted to share as ONE example of what bedsharing and nursing can look like at 3 years old. We don't always get the child we want, we get the child we need. My son has taught me so much, and is the reason behind this work that I am so passionate about. I am truly grateful that our sleep journey has been so challenging. I feel we have become stronger through it all, and I continue to learn more about him through his sleep patterns.
Even if you choose to do nothing, your child will sleep on their own and through the night eventually, when they're ready. AND, there are things you can do if you need to shift patterns. There’s no shame in breastfeeding at this age and bedsharing beyond infancy. It’s still completely normal for a child to want to be close to their parents at night. Maybe we can shift our question from “how do I get my child to sleep?” to “what is my child's sleep telling me about who they are and what they need?”