Our night weaning journey

Hello beautiful friends, I’m writing to share about our recent night weaning journey, and I’m honestly a little shocked to be doing so.

First, a little background. My breastfeeding goal was to let my son self-wean, so it never really made sense to me to night wean, since that’s when he usually nursed the most.

And we also bed-share. Which I absolutely love. I thought, maybe I’ll think about his own sleep space when he’s no longer nursing at night. It was always kind of a ‘when we’re ready’ type thing. I was totally fine with continuing to bed-share and also to nurse at night.

This has taken a lot of practice on my part, since society tells us this is crazy. But I’ve learned enough to know that you never have to night wean, wean or ‘get’ your child into their own sleep space, until you want to. It won’t cause any harm and if we’re both enjoying it, then there’s no reason to stop.

My son has always been a nurser at night. It’s been his most beloved way to fall back asleep when he wakes up, and it’s been the most efficient way for me to support him back to sleep. I also feel it has helped with full-term nursing. I think those night feeds have helped keep my supply up all these years.

About a year ago, I noticed I was starting to get a bit irritated with the sensation of him nursing at night… you could say I was having some aversive type feelings about it. Although, some nights it was also fine.

I would go back and forth feeling like I wanted to night wean and then being fine with the night wakes and the nursing. They were quick. They were sweet. I loved the snuggles. I loved the sound of his sleepy voice when he said “mama… milkies”. I loved the feeling of his soft hands on my skin. I loved the smell of his hair. I loved that he was still getting the nutrition of breast milk as he started preschool and just generally as the day nursing was slowly diminishing.

So I started to listen to my body and nurse during those wakes until I wanted him to unlatch and then I would gently unlatch him. I’ve been slowly decreasing the length of the feeds for the past year. Welp. I know. That sounds like a long time. It was a long time, but it was the pace that felt right for me. I didn’t really have a set plan to night wean or any type of goal. I just wanted to see how he responded and tune into my own instincts night by night about how to navigate it.

I started building other sleep associations in, mostly rubbing his back or patting his back, telling him “back to sleep” or “that’s enough”. There was a little bit of crying sometimes when I would unlatch and encourage him back to sleep, then it turned into whimpers, and then he just started rolling over quietly and going back to sleep.

I would reassure him “I know sweetheart. I know this is hard. You want milkies and I’m saying it’s time to sleep. I’m going to rub your back and help you back to sleep.”

I had been fine with this for a long time. He usually only wakes once or twice a night, and will sleep all the way through occasionally.

But something switched. Last Saturday night, I was just ready… like, tonight! There was no longer a question. I was ready to support him through night weaning. And I can tell you I felt 100% confident and excited about it! That confidence came slowly because I really needed to know that he was ready for it too, that it could be sweet, and that he would know what was going on. I wanted to be able to communicate with him.

And after all these years of practicing supporting his emotions (he’s 4), I felt 100% confident in knowing that it was okay for him to express his sadness about this huge change and it was still okay for me to hold the boundary.

It was also comforting for me to know that he will still be nursing during the day, mostly at bedtime and in the morning, which I’m completely happy with continuing.

This happened quickly for us because we had read a lot of night weaning books in the distant past and I knew he would understand what we were doing. I read him “Sally Weans From Night Nursing”, by Lesli D. Mitchell, MSW. He wanted me to read it over and over again. I like this book because it aligns with our own sleep arrangement, and it’s something I felt he could really relate to.

So we talked about it, and I asked him how he felt about trying to have ‘no milkies’ tonight when he wakes up. He said an enthusiastic, “Yeah!” I took that as a good sign.

It’s been a week now, and he is waking a little more frequently, and I’ve noticed it’s taking him a little longer to fall back asleep. He’s had a few little protests, not even crying, and will persist in asking, but is easily redirectable to a snuggle or rubbing/patting his back.

The first night when he woke and asked to nurse and I said “remember, we’ll have milkies in the morning, let’s just snuggle, he said ‘okay mom’ and rolled over.

Today he said, ‘let’s try it the old way just for one night and then go back’. I validated his feeling of wanting milkies at night still and had to gently remind him that we’re just doing milkies at bedtime and in the morning. He didn’t say anything and went off to play.

I’m loving the snuggles without having to pull my jammies up and lay there until I can’t take it anymore. I hope this is helpful in some way friends, and thank you for being on the receiving end of our bittersweet night weaning journey. Although I am 100% confident in this decision, my heart feels a twinge of sadness at this gentle letting go of babyhood. I want you to know that there’s no one ‘right’ way to night wean your child. It can be as unique as your relationship, and as gentle as you need it to be.

My son said earlier today, “Someday I won’t want your milkies anymore” and I said softly in sort of a sigh, ‘yeah’.